Finally Good Enough
For the longest time, all I could see were things about myself that were far less than acceptable, I was unsatisfied with 95% of who I was. And I decided my life will consist of waiting, as I go through the process of changing myself to someone I can like.
I didn’t like my teeth, my two front teeth are bigger.
I didn’t like my pink gums and how much they showed when I smiled.
I didn’t like how skinny my hips were, I wanted an apple bottom but alas, I felt I was straight.
I didn’t like my personality, I didn’t even have one. I was afraid to be anything around others, whether good or bad. I lacked courage to show any of myself to people.
I didn’t like how I trembled when I had to speak up, legs quaking and earthquakes and thunder ripping in my chest while my almost inaudible voice shook violently.
I didn’t like the school I went to, rich kids did not go to my school. It wasn’t boujie.
I didn’t like that I wasn’t street smart, was told by my mom that I lacked common sense. Any conversation that had nuances was lost on me, especially when I was nervous.
All these overshadowed the things I liked about myself. Like how intelligent I was, always the top of my class. Learning came easy to me, I never had to study much to make outstanding results.
I also knew how to dance and loved it. I never missed an opportunity to display my dancing on stage at school social events. I really came alive then.
I’m also realizing in hindsight that I had great leadership skills. Whatever venture (dancing or performing) that I was involved in was always named Fulem and co. I used to come up with daring ideas and had the skill to get my friends to believe in it and work in a team.
But these shining attributes about me were nothing. How can I be somebody when I can’t even talk? When my smile was this different (I can’t bring myself right now to call anything about me ugly, especially a smile that blesses the world)?
How could I accept myself when I wasn’t like them? The cool kids. I thus decided I had to be perfect before I could acknowledge me as somebody. I had to fix it all. That was my quest in life.
In hindsight, I think I also did not permit myself to get into a relationship as committed as marriage because I wasn’t perfect, but that’s a post for another day.
I did a good number of things to lift myself from the pit of imperfection I had been condemned to be in. I started by convincing my parents to send me to a private school. I felt if I was in close contact with “elite” kids, some of their confidence and boldness will rub off on me. I was quite sad there because there was no magic pill I could drink to just become bold. I left there still very timid, but with somewhat some bragging rights of being sort of elite.
In my late teens, I realized that I was pretty actually. This came as a surprise to me. We used to shave our head really low while in secondary school, but when I was about to go to university, I started growing out my hair. I remember the day so distinctly. I had braided my hair the Alicia Keys style and I was standing in front of the mirror preparing to go out to meet my friends. I saw a really pretty girl staring back at me in the mirror. Out of nowhere! What a delight, and a shock.
There came a time when I was obsessed with becoming a model. I think Tyra Banks was responsible for that fever. I dreamt, and in my dreams I was walking on runways and appearing on billboards and magazine covers. I had all the money, and my beauty had finally been validated with a bang.
I’m the kind of person who when she believes in something, will carry and displace mountains to be able to at least try that thing. So I embarked on an adventure. I left my home country, Cameroon, moved to Italy and stayed in Milan to make my dreams come true. The story is one for another post, but the gist is that I got scammed by an agency that claimed to want to represent me.
While these two previous attempts at changing myself didn’t really work out, they exposed me to more of life and I’m grateful for that.
I turned 30, still very timid. Still not accepting of myself. But then, one thing got the ball rolling in the right direction. I discovered Toastmasters.
Toastmasters was a place where my lack of confidence did not make others regard me like a freak. Where my errors fell on gentle soil, which was cultivated to build better performance.
I felt a glimmer of hope when I made my first speech, my ice breaker in a meeting in front of an audience of about 20 people. The hope came from the fact that my excitement at the experience was greater than my fear. That is when I conquered.
I became the most committed member, present at all meetings and always seizing an opportunity to talk. The growth was steady and palpable.
At the same time I was reading books, some books that stood out I read even up to 5x (like How to Make Friends and Influence People). I was like a sponge, I am still. I soak in everything that can make me better. Books, podcasts, YouTube videos, you name it. I was on a quest, I am on a quest.
But, I digress.
Over time I have grown to see my two front teeth as really cute, I have a friend who calls it rabbitos and I giggle.
My pink gums are different from others’ but that’s ok so I smile and bless the world whenever I’m moved to.
About my skinny hips, I’m happy to say age has been kind and I celebrate my curves.
But the greatest prize of all, my personality is fierce. It is a force, I create worlds just by being me. I can tear down and build up, but I’m always building up, myself and anyone I’m blessed to encounter. My personality can protect me and my loved ones and the things I care about, that makes me incredibly grateful.
I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I had embraced me long ago, and allowed myself to live life fully. I feel like there are so many things I missed because I know for a fact now that imperfection is so interesting and gives life spice.
All the ways in which we fall short and are enmeshed in the tapestry of life as another, a loved one, intertwines with us to make up for it, all leading to a delightful design.
But I’ll say this, I’m grateful for it all and open to all that comes.
Namaste.